


How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful

by babydollbucky



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Infidelity (by OFC), M/M, Stucky - Freeform, stevebucky - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:35:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21728383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babydollbucky/pseuds/babydollbucky
Summary: Bucky witnesses something extremely upsetting and takes it upon himself to break it to his best friend. When Steve lashes out, Bucky thinks their friendship is a thing of the past. But a lifelong bond is harder to break.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 67
Collections: Winter Gift Exchange 2019





	How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Deisderium](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deisderium/gifts).



> My dear Deisderium, you are a gift to our fandom, and so, I offer you this small gift in return. I hope you enjoy! ♡♡♡ I'm sorry it took me so long to get this posted! 
> 
> Thank you to SpecialHell for organizing the Winter Gift Exchange 2019 ♡
> 
> Title from ge Florence + the Machine song of the same name. 
> 
> ***This story contains non-explicit infidelity perpetrated by an original character against one of the main characters, and witnessed by the other.

Their monthly lunch date took place at the diner. Towards the end, when Becca would have to catch a train home to their mother’s apartment, she looked at her brother for a long moment. Unable to stand the weird energy radiating from him anymore, she spoke.

"What's up with you?" She peered into Bucky's eyes. 

“What? Nothing! ...What do you mean?' Came the slightly alarmed answer. 

She leaned across the booth's table, looking far more intimidating and knowing than any sixteen year old should be able to. 

“You're upset and you're trying to hide it. You only really get upset when it involves Steve or the family, and I know nothing's wrong in our family. Spill.”

Bucky was caught off guard, but he should have seen it coming. Becca had inherited her intuition from their mom, and hers was even stronger.

Taking a moment to weigh whether or not he wanted to saddle her with his news, he closed his eyes. Replayed it in his head. Felt the wave of anger again.

He told her.

She laughed a little, looking at him like he was the biggest moron on the planet. 

"Becca, I'm serious! This is… this'll break his heart," Bucky said, his own heart breaking for his best friend. He stole fry from his sister's plate and popped it in his mouth.

The teenager smacked his arm, then sighed. "Buck, you gotta tell him. It's not fair if you don't. She's just gonna keep doing it if she thinks she can get away with it." 

Bucky grimaced. "Yeah...When did you get so wise, kid?" He asked his little sister. 

She left him flabbergasted without a verbal answer, just a pat on the shoulder and a knowing smile.

***

He wanted to do it in person. Steve deserved that, and he deserved to hear it from him before he heard it from someone else.

He had thought about confronting her himself, but it wasn't his place. He should tell Steve, but it was Steve's decision what he would do with the information. 

He felt the red-hot anger rise in him again. 

How the  _ fuck  _ could she do that? To Steve, of all people. Steve, who put everyone before himself; Steve who was utterly devoted to the people he loved; Steve, who would  _ never-- _

_ Ugh. I hate her,  _ Bucky thought. 

When he saw her at the park with some guy he'd never seen before, he hadn't thought much of it. Surely she had friends. Yeah, it was a little strange that she went to a park in Queens, when she and Steve lived in Brooklyn, but maybe she'd wanted a change of scenery- he himself was there for that reason, after all. Or maybe the guy lived here. 

Whatever. Bucky didn't care. He was going to say hello-he had genuinely liked her and thought she was good for Steve-but then she turned and--

He wanted to punch something. He wanted to yell and scream and break dishes because it was so unfair. How _ dare  _ she betray Steve that way!

He had immediately turned around and went back to work writing, bile churning in his gut. When he could no longer pretend he was able to concentrate, he packed up and went straight home. 

***

Seeing his little sister was always a treat, but their conversation had left the bitter taste of resolve in his mouth. The next day, Bucky decided he was going to Steve’s to tell him what happened.

He stood at their door for ten minutes. Raised his hand twice to knock, but never did. 

What if she was home? He couldn't promise he'd be civil to her if he saw her face. 

Upon raising a fist to finally knock, the door opened to reveal a flustered Steve-wide eyed and cheeks flushed. 

"Uh. Hi?" Bucky said intelligently. 

"Hey, Buck! What're you doing here?" Steve said with a grin that lit up his face. His arm rested on the door jamb, and the olive green button down shirt he wore stretched to accommodate the activated muscles underneath. 

The breath stuck in his lungs. Steve was like pure sunshine, warming all the bones in Bucky's body. For a moment, all the anger and disgust disappeared, melting away into nothing. 

"Bucky?" Steve asked, clearly confused, judging by the puppy-like tilt of his head. 

"Whuh? Oh! Yeah, sorry, you got a minute?" Bucky replied hoarsely, the emotions from before swirling like a tornado inside him once again. 

Steve's face took on a sheepish look, and he ducked his head. "I was actually just leaving. Karen and I have dinner plans." He said it gently, like an apology.

Bucky's heart clenched.  _ Shit.  _

"It's really important, Steve. I, uh...I have some bad news…" he trailed off, not knowing if Steve would allow him to continue, and not knowing if he really wanted to. 

"Are you ok? Is everyone ok?" Steve immediately asked, because of course he'd be concerned for Bucky, that was Steve. Everyone else came before himself. 

Raising a hand to placate the blond man, Bucky shook his head. "No, no, not me-I mean, everyone's fine, it's not about me. It's… can we please sit down inside?" 

Seeing Bucky's frown, Steve was understandably confused. He waved Bucky in, and they sat on the sofa.

Bucky found that he couldn't look Steve in the eye. He felt almost… guilty, though he'd done nothing wrong. For a moment, he had the crazy urge to back out, say 'just kidding!' and let Steve go on with his night. 

But he couldn't do that. 

"What's going on, Buck? You sure you're alright?" 

_ Dammit, _ there was that soft, concerned face again. He took a deep breath in, and mustered all his courage.  _ Just do it, Barnes, he needs to know.  _

"I saw something, today. Something really awful, something you need to know about." He kept his gaze on the carpet; he really didn't want to see the pain on Steve's face. 

"Okay… what?" Steve prodded gently. 

Another deep inhale. 

"I was at Astoria Park writing, and I saw Karen. She was with a guy I've never seen before. I was gonna go say hello…" He did look at Steve then. There was nothing in his eyes that betrayed a sense of understanding. 

A gently raised eyebrow prompted Bucky to continue. 

"She kissed him. Not just like, a peck, but making out. Steve, I think she's cheating on you." The last sentence was spoken quickly, as if it were one word, as if he couldn't wait to get it over with- which was true. He didn't want to have this conversation, but Steve deserved to know. He took his time lifting his gaze. 

The stunned look on his best friend's face hurt, almost as much as the anger that followed it. 

"I'm so sorry, Steve. I wanted you to hear it from me before anyone else," he said quietly, hoping the other man could see how upset he was for him. 

Nothing happened for a full minute. Bucky wasn't even sure if either of them blinked. Then, the energy in the room changed as Steve bared his teeth.

"What that fuck, Bucky? How could you say that?!" 

His head whipped up, and he couldn't think for a moment. It didn't make sense. Steve was mad at  _ him?  _ "Steve, what--"

He stood up. "How  _ dare _ you accuse Karen of that?! How _ dare _ you lie to me?!"

His face fell, and his heart stopped.  _ What? He thinks I'm lying?  _ "Steve, I'm not lying, I would never--" 

"Shut up! I can't believe you! How the fuck could you do this?!" 

"Ste--," he desperately needed Steve to listen, to  _ hear _ him. He got up off the couch too, hoping to feel a little less unbalanced by the vitriol being spewed his way. 

"You're  _ jealous _ ," The blond man said incredulously. "You're fucking jealous. You can't stand that I finally have someone," he spat out, nastier than Bucky had ever known him to be. 

This wasn't Steve. He was hurting and angry, and Bucky was there. He had to remember that before he said something dumb, because now  _ he  _ was getting angry and hurt. 

"Steve, will you just fucking listen to me?! I'm not lying to you! I saw her--" Bucky tried. 

"Admit it! You're so used to being the one people flock to, and now that I'm the one who has a girlfriend, you can't stand it. You don't want to see me happy. You wanted me as a wingman, a conversation starter." Steve's voice lowered, but emitted no less ire. Bucky turned in on himself, unable and unwilling to curtail his friend's tirade. All he could do was shake his head and hope Steve would feel how hurt Bucky was. 

This was _ insane.  _ They'd been best friends since they were in fourth grade, when Steve had been small and sickly. They'd been attached at the hip, their mothers would say. Bucky had always tried to set up dates for Steve, who had often turned them down. He'd been there when Sarah had died, and had visited as much as possible though they'd gone to separate colleges and followed different paths. He loved Steve. 

_ Oh.  _

He _ loved  _ Steve. 

_ Shit.  _

Bucky thought of saying it. He thought better of it. He knew nothing would come of it, even if this fight hadn't been happening. It wouldn't help them. It might even make Steve more angry.

He would say nothing about it. 

But he did have something to say, under the pain of being treated like this. 

Just as Steve opened his mouth to continue, Bucky found the strength to ask, "Do you really think that little of me?" 

Steve froze. His eyes went wide, and it seemed like most of the fight had left him with that pained question. But Bucky wasn't done yet. 

"Ask her. Just ask Karen," he pleaded, the ebb of the previous moment's anger leaving him bereft. "Steve--"

Steve took a step forward, and said, "Get out."

The coldness in that voice, one that had been a constant source of comfort and light nearly all his life, was jarring, like being punched in the gut. He couldn't move for a few seconds. He couldn't process what was happening. 

Was this the end of the line? The end of their friendship? The end of twenty years of keeping each other safe, and sane, and together?

He moved, just a shift of his weight away from Steve, and he thought he saw a flash of hesitance in his sky blue eyes. But it was gone before he could put a name to it, replaced by a cross expression. 

He repeated, albeit tiredly, "Get out, Buck."

So Bucky turned, and left, having seen no other option. 

The door had shut with a click before Steve let out a breath. 

***

Walking home, he felt like a ghost. He felt surreal, untethered from the Earth. He ran over everything that was said, trying to figure out what had happened. He tried to think of any instance where he'd been happy Steve was alone, unnoticed by people who should have been able to recognize the innate goodness of Steve Rogers, who only ever wanted to do the right thing, to help people. 

He came up empty.

Then he thought of what he'd seen at the park, played it over and over again, trying to figure out if he'd misinterpreted.

He felt a new, more intense wave of hatred for Karen. Not only had she hurt Steve (for Bucky believed he _ would _ realize eventually, and he'd be devastated), she had ruined their friendship. 

***

It was weird not seeing Steve for a few days. Not talking on the phone, or texting, or tweeting at each other, or  _ anything.  _ It was painful and lonely, it felt like he was missing a part of himself. 

But the last thing Bucky wanted was to push Steve too hard and truly lose him forever. He wanted to give Steve time to cool off. He hoped that he'd realize that Bucky had been truthful, that he'd wanted to break it to Steve before he found out in a different, worse way. 

***

He sat in Astoria Park, under the tree where he had seen Karen and that man. His laptop was open, document ready to go, but he hadn't typed anything in an hour. He couldn't stop thinking about what that woman had done. About what had happened with Steve. 

He sighed heavily, and looked up at the leaves of the tree. They shifted in the wind, light and dark green shimmering with the sunlight. His eyes burned, tears coming suddenly. He choked them back and swiped at his eyes, unwilling to admit how much it had hurt that Steve thought he'd lie to him. 

But in his heart, he knew that Steve had lashed out because he didn't know what to do or how to feel about his first longtime girlfriend having hurt him. It wasn't about Bucky, not really. He understood not wanting to believe that someone so close to him would choose to hurt him. He understood the pain and confusion of being cheated on. 

All he could do was wait, and if Steve came to him, be there. 

The revelation that he was in love with his best friend wasn't as shocking as he felt it could be. It seemed to be a natural progression for him. 

He couldn't pinpoint  _ when _ he fell for Steve; maybe from the beginning. 

It didn't matter. Especially if Steve never wanted to speak to him again. 

He was startled out of his thoughts by a moving shadow and a loud thump next to him. 

He didn't need to look to know who it was. In fact, he didn't dare look for fear of seeing more hurtful anger on Steve's face. So he waited, holding his breath, for the other man to say something. 

It took a few minutes, Steve evidently gathering his courage to say whatever he was going to say. 

At least he was calm, he didn't feel angry. 

"You were right," said Steve, sounding tired and empty. 

Bucky finally looked up at Steve's face, uncertain of where they stood. He was staring up at the sky, eyes following the movements of the few fluffy floating clouds. He shut his laptop to give his friend his full attention. 

"Steve?" he asked gently. 

Turning his head and looking Bucky in the eye, he gave a wry smile. 

"You were right. I caught Karen and… whoever, yesterday. Threw her out on the spot."

_ Shit.  _ He'd hoped he was wrong, that he'd not seen what he knew he did, for Steve's sake. 

"Oh,  _ Steve… _ " He wanted to hug him, actually moved to do so, before remembering that they weren't in a normal situation. It  _ hurt  _ to refrain from comforting his friend, but he wasn't sure it would be welcome. Not yet. 

"I should've listened to you, Buck. I should've known you'd never--" he bit off the sentence, clenching his fists. 

"Steve, it's okay--" Bucky tried, but Steve butt in.

"It's not okay! Bucky, I was terrible to you, I was a jackass, when you were trying to warn me!" He looked helpless, and sad-eyes wide and hands in fists. He looked… _ young.  _ A little lost. 

Bucky smiled;  _ this _ was Steve, all righteous anger and wanting to fix what was wrong, and putting all the blame and responsibility on himself. 

Now, he could hug him. So he did; wrapped his arms around Steve's waist, and pulled him close. 

"I'm sorry, Steve, I'm so sorry. I know you loved her," he said after a moment. Steve had frozen up initially, but soon relaxed and hugged Bucky back. Bucky sighed, feeling like he was home. 

They separated enough for Bucky to see an odd look on the other man's face, one he couldn't remember ever seeing before. He tried to parse it out, but before he could, Steve spoke.

"I… don't think I did, actually…" he said. At Bucky's continued silence, he elaborated, "I think I… loved the _ idea _ of her. Having someone to come home to… it was nice." 

Bucky had nothing to say to that. The only thing he could think was that Steve could come home to _ him _ . 

"Bucky, I'm so sorry that I said that shit to you. I didn't mean any of it, not that that's any excuse. It was really shitty of me." He looked so  _ sad,  _ so unsure of himself. Unsure of Bucky's capacity for forgiveness. 

He leaned his shoulder in to Steve's to give him a side hug, saying, "It's ok, don't worry about it, pal. You were upset, rightfully so. I'm  _ furious _ at Karen. I can't believe she would do this to you." 

At that, Steve laughed. It was a welcome sound, one he hadn't heard in too long. It sounded different than he remembered, freer, more lovely. It made his heart swell, even as his confusion made its way to his face.

"Why the fuck are you laughing?" He asked.

One last little giggle, and Steve pulled himself together to relay, "The pout. You're pouting, it's cute." 

_ Oh.  _

Bucky flushed what must have been a  _ beautiful  _ scarlet shade, which made Steve laugh again. 

They settled down, knocking their feet together occasionally. But Bucky needed to know something before he could truly relax. 

"Are...are we okay, Steve?" 

"Yeah, Buck. At least, I hope so…?" He was giving Bucky an out, apparently not believing that Bucky had forgiven him. 

"Yeah. Ok. Good," he said. 

After another few minutes, Bucky realized that he needed to tell Steve how he felt. He needed Steve to know, because he didn't want to meet the possible end of their friendship (again) without having said something. 

He needed Steve to know.

"Can I tell you something?" he asked quietly. 

The blond head leaned on his shoulder in an approximation of how they'd fallen asleep quite frequently as kids. He hummed, and then, for clarification, he murmured, "Of course, Buck, anything. Always." 

Goddammit, he was so _ earnest _ . 

_ Ok. Here goes.  _

After a deep, shaky breath in, Bucky said, "You were half right." 

Steve hummed again, a little baffled by what Bucky could mean. But he waited for Bucky to explain. 

"I _ was _ jealous…" he trailed off, resolutely not looking at Steve, lest he lose his nerve. "But not of _ you _ ." 

Steve sat up fully and turned his body to face his friend. "What're you saying?" 

Another fortifying breath had Bucky meeting Steve's sky blue eyes, green flecks glittering in the sunlight mottled by tree leaves. 

He continued, "I was jealous of Karen. Steve...I love you."

The little gasp told Bucky that Steve was at least a little shocked. His wide eyes betrayed nothing, however.

Bucky waited. 

Taking a breath of his own, Steve asked, "You do?" 

And  _ oh,  _ the _ hope  _ Bucky found in those eyes was enough to make him tear up. 

"I think...I think I've loved you my whole life. I just didn't figure it out until she-until Karen hurt you. You don't have to say anything," he rushed to assure Steve, "I just needed to tell you. Nothing has to change, I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable-"

He was cut off by lips on his, soft as a feather, dry, almost painfully sweet. His eyes fluttered shut as Steve's hand came up to cup his cheek, and Bucky sighed. 

They were quiet for a moment after separating. Bucky wanted to say something, so many things, but his thoughts were so tangled that nothing could exit his mouth and make sense. 

Questions and ideas and praise and a million other things swirled in his brain while he blinked up at Steve. 

"Buck, I--"

What came out was, "I'm not gonna be your rebound. I love you, but Steve, I won't--"

"What? No, Bucky, that’s not--I don’t--” He took a breath and sighed, then grabbed Bucky’s hand, asserting, “I love you, too, Buck. It has nothing to do with...with loving Karen. I think, deep down, I always knew it wasn’t going to work with her, because I really wanted  _ you _ .” 

Jaw on the ground, Bucky struggled to speak, to think. 

_ He loves me too? _ Was the thought that drowned out anything else. 

“You...you  _ jackass!” _ he burst out. “All this time--you never said--I thought she was--Ugh, Steve what the fuck?!” He wasn’t actually angry, but shock sometimes manifested as anger in him. “If that’s true, why did you--why did you--why were you so mad? Why did you say that shit? I’m still pissed at you, by the way, that was really shitty.” He jabbed a finger into Steve’s chest as he scowled.

Steve at least had the decency to look guilty. 

“I...You’re right, I shouldn’t have said any of it, and I didn’t mean it. I think...I think I was trying to hide behind us, ‘Karen and me,’ and I was scared you’d figure me out, or something. That’s no excuse though. I hurt you, and I’m so sorry Bucky. I hope you can forgive me.” The puppy dog eyes that Bucky liked to pretend he was immune to melted his heart. 

He thought for a moment. They’d had fights before-they were human after all. Nothing that had cut so deeply, but Steve was nothing if not earnest in his apology. 

He knew he’d forgive Steve  _ anything _ to keep him in his life, even before he fully weighed the situation. Steve was it for him, and he’d always known it on some level. 

He squeezed Steve’s hand and smiled, admiring the way the light poked through the leaves to illuminate spots of Steve’s face, including his crooked nose. 

_ Yeah, he’s it.  _

“You dope. I forgive you. But don’t ever do that again or I’ll drop you like buttered toast, Steven,” he said as he side-hugged him close with one arm. 

Steve laughed softly, his own arm coming up to wrap around Bucky, and murmured, “Duly noted.” They let go of each other, but stayed close, huddled under the tree. They were quiet for a while, each processing what had happened in the last week, and trying to figure out how their lives could change. 

“So, what now? Do you...do you want to try…” Steve started. Bucky was sure he’d never heard Steve sound so uncertain about anything. He was looking up at Bucky through his (ridiculous) lashes, almost shy. But he knew what the other man was trying to ask. 

“I can’t believe we’ve been so stupid. I can’t believe you...you love me. We can try. But Steve, you gotta promise we’ll stay friends if it doesn’t...if it doesn’t work out. I can’t lose you. I  _ can’t _ .” He couldn’t look Steve in the eyes as he said it, it would hurt too much if Steve didn’t agree with him. 

He didn’t need to worry. “That’s what I was going to say. Honestly, Buck if you don’t hate me right now, if we’ve been friends for this long, I don’t think there’s anything that could make us give up,” Steve said with a too-wide grin, clearly trying to hide his hopefulness and, again, uncertainty. “What do you say, Barnes? Date me?” the blond man asked. 

After a long inhale, Bucky agreed. "Good point… ok. We're doing this." He felt giddy, hopeful, like there were bubbles under his skin trying to burst out of him. He hadn't been this excited for something in a long time. He leaned closer to Steve, looking up at him. 

Steve held out a hand, palm up, on his thigh, and gave Bucky a sweet smile. Smiling in return, he grasped Steve's hand and laid his head on Steve's shoulder. Closing his eyes, Bucky could relax knowing the future was bright for them. 

  
  


  
  
  



End file.
